Dem and Rich
by Troublesome Dragon
Summary: America snaps and kicks Dem and Rich out of the house. They decide to crash with the cute coffee girl until Alfred chills out. This does not go as well as they hoped.
1. Intrusion Confusion

Intrusion Confusion

As the whole world knows, Mondays suck. Amy hated the night shift, but the extra knowledge that her week was just beginning made her want to feign an illness and stay in bed. Her feet were sore from having to hustle back and forth between serving the midnight regulars and making the place spotless before the morning shift arrived. She had exactly one other person there to help her keep things running smoothly, and sometimes that simply wasn't enough, (especially when the afternoon shift didn't complete their assignments.)The only thing keeping her going was the thought of the leftover pizza waiting for her in the fridge. So, she was more than a little annoyed when she found one of her favorite regulars sitting on her couch, eating her pizza. Amy's first instinct was to smack him with the pizza box until he left. Her plans changed when a second look alike came out of her kitchen drinking the last diet coke.

"I didn't know you had a brother or . . . the keys to my apartment," she said, unsure who she hated more right now. Let's see : last diet coke, seventy five cents against three slices of pizza worth about six dollars total. Okay, so, probably couch guy if she didn't factor in who ate what and whatever else they had in store for her tonight.

"We need a place to crash," One of the potential Alfreds said. Oh hell no. The guy might be a big tipper, but she wasn't payed to put a smile on her face and feed his entourage once she got home. The wonder twins had to go.

"Apparently, we count as nonessential personnel," the other one said dryly.

Neither sounded quite right. The Alfred she had met was bright, cheerful, and fond of wearing a brown bomber jacket with a fuzzy tuft on the collar and sleeves. These guys were in business suits and both seemed disgruntled and bitter. The only real difference between them were the ties they were wearing. She decided to deem them red tie and blue tie for now.

"Yeah, maybe, I chat with one of you sometimes and serve you coffee during my shift, but that doesn't mean you can stay here." Amy said. They must have some other place to go. Alfred bought what he wanted and left big tips because he could afford it, not because he was a good Samaritan.

"You said you knew her," Mister Red tie hissed. He finished the diet coke, tried to toss it into the trash can a few feet from him and missed. The guy didn't bother to pick it up. She just might let Blue tie stay and Red tie go out of spite.

"I do but-"

"Let me guess. You chatted up a pretty girl a few times and decided to come here without really thinking things through. And, you wonder why I don't let you do shit," he said, poking the other Alfred on the chest.

"Oh, and driving all the way down to Texas was a totally realistic plan, ," Blue tie said defensively.

"You just didn't want to go because you know I'm her favorite."

"One day, she's going to see past your crap and come crawling back to me," Mister Blue tie said, increasing the chance the two of them weren't going anywhere because they were fighting over a girl. Bleh.

"Trust me, the girl is going to stick with the devil she knows, the more handsome devil," the increasingly vain Mister Red tie said. She could point out that they could easily make it to Texas by tomorrow if they left now, but the last time she took sides in an argument like this, it had landed her with two Quebecian roommates for six months. Sure, they'd paid rent, but it was besides the point. Amy needed sleep now.

"Boys, if you're going to fight, take it outside, I'm tired, and my sleeping schedule is screwed up as it is."

At this point, something changed. She wasn't sure what, but for a second, they actually seemed to realize what a terrible inconvenience they were being. Mister Red tie held out his hand and she reluctantly shook it.

"Sorry for wasting your time," he said finally, glaring at Mister Blue tie.

The other guy rolled his eyes and covered her in a extra blanket that she usually stashed in the living room closet. (So, they'd probably gone through her stuff.)Then, they each simultaneously smiled at her as if they were performing the same routine.

"Thank you for your hospitality," Mister Blue tie said. She assumed that was blond speak for "Thank you for not calling the cops."

"You're welcome," Amy said, in spite of herself. She felt like she was being tricked into being less angry. Mister Red tie opened the door and walked out. Mister Blue tie unfortunately decided to shut the door in his face and lock it.

"Are you sure I can't stay? We're a lot less irritating apart. I promise."

" You asshole, get out of there before she files a restraining order. We're going to Canada. You like Canada. He makes pancakes, " Mister Red tie yelled while banging on her door as loudly as possible. Crap. She didn't want the neighbors getting on her case because of these two idiots.

"But I'm tired, and there's a couch right there," the guy that was unfortunately still here said as he made himself comfortable on the couch.

"I told you to keep track of your caffeine intake, but as usual, you can't control yourself even a little bit,"the slightly more reasonable one said.

"Shut up, we stopped for your cigarettes, and I didn't say one word," said the one that took the blanket off her shoulders without asking.

"Forget, I mentioned it. Say goodbye to your little stalker crush so we can go," the one that apparently wasn't stalking her said. She should have kept the Quebecian roommates. At least, Elly didn't pull these stunts at four o clock in the morning.

"Just wait until you get his stupid crush, then, we'll see who can't control themselves," the one on her side of the door said. Great, apparently, they were taking turns stalking her. Stupid creepy twins.

"You've been stalking me," Amy said, taking the blanket off of him. She was going through with the smacking him with the pizza box plan.

"How do you think we got into your house? A word of advice honey, don't hide your keys under the doormat, even idiots can find it there. Speaking of which," he said, opening the door.

"Shut up," Mister Blue tie said, grinning. If the other one realized that he'd implicated himself too, he didn't show it. Whatever, she was never leaving keys under the mat again.

"Not so good at articulating words are you? And you wonder why we never get anything done, " Mister Red tie said smugly, sitting on the recliner.

"Shut up . . . I'm tired, and you're full of it. We'll continue our never ending dance of hatred later," he said, burying himself into the borrowed pillows and blanket.

" I can't listen to anymore of this. If you promise to keep it down, you can stay today and only today, got it?" she said, yawning. If she conked out now, she might actually be awake for her classes in the morning.

"Thank you Mam, it's been a pleasure meeting you," Mister Red tie said.

"What are you forty?" the annoying one muttered.

"Unlike you, I didn't replace my manners with a bunch of slang and buzz words," he said scornfully.

"At least, I know how to use the internet," he shot back.

"What did I say?" she asked, not really giving a damn about their odd arguments after working all night.

"Sorry, we'll try to keep it down," Mister Red tie said while glaring daggers at Blue tie. She assumed that was blonde boy code for "We're going to argue all night so you might as well get used to it."

"You also owe me pizza money," she said, deciding that she might as well try to squeeze a few bucks out of them while they were here.

"Here, this should cover it," Mister Blue tie said, immediately handing her some cold hard cash. Hello new favorite.

"Did you just give her a fifty?" Mister uptight Red tie said.

"Can we not argue about money for one night?" the other one said tiredly.

"Fine, just shut up so I can get some peace and quiet."

"You and me both, old favorite," Amy said.

"What? Why am I old favorite? I left when I was unwanted."

"Ha, I win," Mister Red Tie said.

"Please, the economy isn't improving fast enough, next election I'll wipe the floor with you," Mister Blue tie muttered. That was really all Amy cared to hear before she shut the door. She ended up dreaming of pizza and killer door mats.


	2. Peculiar Delusion

Peculiar Delusion

As everyone knows, mornings sucked even more than Mondays. Unlike Mondays, they came more than once a week and readily reminded you why the decisions you made the day before sucked. Like every other Tuesday morning after squeezing a few hours of shut eye in, Amy reluctantly woke up. She then put on any old t-shirt she'd left on the floor and whatever else still looked clean before going to the bathroom where she entered a life or death struggle with the comb. Unlike every other Tuesday morning, Blue Tie and Red Tie beat her to the cereal, and she had to cook eggs. Thankfully, for them, the fact they were still here annoyed her more than having to put effort into her breakfast.

"Hey, Ivy league punks arguing about health care, what are you still doing here?" she asked. Red tie ignored her and continued to read a possibly stolen newspaper from one of her neighbors. Blue tie shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and swallowed, more than a little eager to answer.

"You said we could stay. What's the big deal?" he asked, stuffing more cereal into his mouth.

"It's the least you could do, after everything we do for you," Red tie butted in, turning the page of the suspiciously acquired newspaper.

Amy had two choices. She could either let this go and make it to class on time or she could argue and possibly be counted absent in a class were attendance counted. She decided to take a third option and send a message. Amy flipped the cereal bowl over and ripped the newspaper.

" I'm going to class. You have until I get back to go away."

"Do you need a ride?" Mister Red tie asked, holding up the ripped remains of the newspaper in slight confusion.

"We brought the red Mazda. This guy wanted to take the Prius," Blue Tie added, cleaning up the mess she made, thoroughly unfazed. Huh?

"It has better gas mileage," Red tie said, giving up on reading the newspaper and chucking it in the trash. He didn't miss this time.

"You guys would really give me a ride after I ruined breakfast for you?"

"Sure, if there is anything we understand, it's rebellion," Red tie said.

"Besides, we're not going to resent your forever because of one little mistake. That's the British way," Blue tie said.

So, they weren't total assholes. Amy cracked the eggs into the pan and watched them sizzle. She could probably handle having them around a few days. Then again, a few days might turn into a few weeks, maybe even a few months or years. Nope, not again, she didn't like having roommates.

"I still don't want you here."

"Why?" Blue tie asked, leaving his dirty dishes in the sink. Take one guess, guy.

"You broke into my house and at least one of you is stalking me," Amy said, getting the real issue out of the way. Red tie and Blue tie seemed harmless enough, but they were showing some troubling tendencies.

"Normally, I'd take your side on this one, but his tips provide most of your lively hood," Red tie said.

Damn, Amy might lose good business if she kicked them out. She was barely scrapping by even when she did receive the occasional windfall from these guys.

"I don't even know your names," she said, slowly losing her resolve.

"We don't have names, per se."

"I guess she could call us both, Alfred. It's not like the original is going to show up anytime soon," Blue tie suggested.

"Arthur is such an enabler. Getting rid of us isn't a good idea, sure, he's happy now but- "

"He's an impulsive idiot without a little devil or angel on his shoulder to tell him what to do," Blue tie said.

"Wait, which one of us is the devil in this scenario?" Red tie asked.

"Didn't we agree to switch periodically," Blue tie said. Red tie laughed.

"It is more fun that way."

Amy wasn't really following along. She figured that the weirdness would make sense somewhere down the line.

"So, you both want to be called Alfred. That'll get confusing fast," she said.

"Then, give us nicknames," Blue tie offered.

"I've been calling you Blue tie and Red tie in my head," she admitted.

"Better nicknames," Red tie said.

"Seriously, you two, what are your real names?" Amy asked.

"We might as well tell her," Blue tie said, looking at Red tie. He sighed

"I'm the personification of the Republican Party," Red tie admitted.

"And, I represent the Democratic Party. We kind of got kicked out of America's head after one little itty bitty screw up," he said, sounding a little nervous. Red tie rolled his eyes.

"Don't lie. We accidentally shut down the government," he said.

"Fine. One giant colossal screw up."

"Wow. You really think that," Amy said.

"Can we go to Canada now?" Blue tie asked.

"Hey, you promised to take me to class. Your crazy Canadian adventure can wait," Amy said, finishing her eggs. She'd already missed the bus that would get her there on her own.

"She's right. I'll take her," Red tie said, jacking the keys from Blue tie.

"What about our nicknames?"

"You know what, I'm going to accept the craziness and play along. You are now Dem, congrats," she said, getting her bag and keys from the kitchen counter.

"Sweet."

"Am I still Red tie, then?"

"Gah, you're a little harder. Um . . . Pub?"

"Hah, Pub. I'm texting that to Scotland," Dem said.

"Pick something else or I'm not taking you to school," the holder of the car keys said. She could already tell living with them was going to be a drag.

"Fine, your Richie. Let's go, or I'll have you personally explain to my professor why my stalker and his brother made me late for class after breaking and entering the day before."

"Richie?"

"Oh my God, yes, Richie Rich, I love it," Dem said, likely texting someone else to share in his mean spirited enthusiasm.

"It's Rich or Pub, pick your poison," she said, getting antsy.

"Richie is fine. I guess."

"Glad your getting with the program, come on," she said, pulling his arm.

"Try not to trash her apartment while I'm gone," Rich said, on his way out.

"Please, I'm perfectly responsible. You're the one that screws up," Dem said while playing bejeweled on his phone.

"Pretty sure, if we measured my lifetime of screw ups and your lifetime of screw ups that we'd end up being about even," Rich said. She hit him with her bag.

"I'm not sure but I think she wants to leave now," Dem said, smugly.

Rich sighed and shut the door. Amy practically ran down the stairs while Rich took his time getting down. She didn't say anything, but her annoyance was clear. When they got in the car, Rich ended up asking her a few questions, some of which she didn't really want to answer.

"What's your major?"

"Bio."

"Premed?"

"Research, I'm staying here until I get my PhD. Then, I'll look into getting a government job in the army. The pays decent, and I like traveling ."

"I can help with that."

"If your trying to bribe me into letting you stay by promising me something you can't give me with your delusional belief you have anything to do with the U.S. government, you don't have to. I'll let you stay," Amy said. She didn't want to deal with the crazy more than she had to.

"I'm not kidding. We'll even pay rent."

"I thought you were going to Canada . . . for some reason."

"Look, I don't want to go to Canada. Canadians judge."

"I thought the British judge."

"They all judge. Please, we'll stay out of your way."

"I'll believe that when I see it," Amy said.

"Trust me, put up with us for the week, and Alfred will eventually show up when things go to hell, and you'll have wads of disposable income and a cushy government job for your trouble. "

"Fine but you all need to clean up after yourselves and I expect more free rides."

"Done. We're here. When should I pick you up? "

"Five, and I want a ride to work at eleven."

"No problem. I'll see you then."

Amy left the car and made a mad dash for class.

"Amy?"

"What? I'm in a hurry."

"Try to slow down," Rich said, giving her a meaningful look.

"But I'm in a hurry- oh. Don't worry about it. Just shut up at night, and I should be fine," Amy said, finally turning the corner.

"I'll try," Rich said, leaving the parking lot. He found Dem redecorating.

"We're staying here."

"I thought we were going to Canada, land of pancakes."

"I talked to her. We're paying rent. Hand over the cash," Rich said.

"How much are we paying?"

"Six hundred bucks," Rich said.

"That's not too bad. For the month?"

"Per day," he said.

"She asked for that much? She seemed so nice before I broke into her apartment, " Dem said.

"Amy, didn't say how much. I just thought she could use the money," Rich said, making himself a cup of coffee.

"I can't believe you. You're doing the thing again," Dem said.

"What thing?"

"You'll complain and fight me about an issue for years and years but the moment it affects you, Richie gets on board faster than you can say gay son. "

"That was low even for you."

"Whatever, I'm free. You caught the crush."

"I don't think you understand how crushes work," Rich said.

"We're pretty much extensions of Alfred so yeah, you caught the crush."

"You're telling me I can't feel bad because she studies all day and works the night shift at night," Rich said. Dem put down the paint roller.

"Quit overreacting, they get days off. Stop being all wishy washy and remember, we're only here because it's convenient."

"Why are you even fighting me on this? I thought you'd be all for it."

"Alfred froze the bank account we were using and said, learn to budget your money, assholes. We can't afford to spend like there is no tomorrow," Dem said, moving on to the next wall. Rich didn't like the dark blue color. It reminded him of England.

"I take it he's still angry at us then?" Rich asked.

"Yup, I think we should prepare for the worst."

"We're paying rent. I promised."

"I hot wired two thousand dollars before he froze the account. That's all we get until this passes."

"I'm sure if we explain the situation. We can work something out," Rich said.

"Sure lover boy, why don't you make yourself useful and help me paint?"

"About that, learn to clean after yourself or we might get kicked out sooner than you think," Rich said, cleaning the dishes. It wasn't worth the trouble convincing him to, right now.

"Did she really get upset over one little dish?"

"Just do what we do when we go to England's house and try not to leave any traces we ever existed, speaking of which, you didn't run this by her at all did you?"

"White walls are boring," Dem said.

"You're lucky that you're the one holding the money right now or I'd smack you upside the head," Rich said.

"Amy's tons of fun. I'm sure she won't care."

"Where have you been for the last six hours? She seems like a no nonsense type of gal."

"You're projecting," Dem said.

"At least, try not to do anything else on impulse while we're here," Rich said.

"Sure, sure, do you think she'll like zebra or leopard print carpet?"

"What happened to budgeting our money?" Rich asked.

"It's just a thought. I'm going to be at this a while. Why don't you find someone else to nag for a change?" Dem asked smartly.

"Give me the cash, and I'll go restock the fridge."

"Not gonna happen," Dem said.

"Why? You're not going to do it."

"You'll buy the overpriced crap," Dem said.

"Yes, forgive me for not buying the one dollar cheese. Besides, if you go, you'll end up buying a bunch of useless drivel like candy and soda."

Dem stopped painting the second wall in the living room and seemed to think for a moment. He snapped his fingers and starting to clean himself up. Oh no.

"We'll go together."


	3. Excursion Diversion

Excursion Diversion

As everyone knows, hanging out with your arch-nemesis sucks. Everything you are is constantly challenged and even the simplest of tasks takes forever. This wasn't normally a problem for Dem. He hadn't existed until a few hours ago. With everything Alfred had to tackle, politics didn't always come into the equation. They were ideas and vague notions of what was going on behind closed doors. He wasn't supposed to have everyday problems, and he definitely shouldn't have to go grocery shopping.

"Just pick whatever, she won't care." But no, that would be too easy. Rich continued to look over every single nearly identical orange in the bunch just to spite him.

"Fruit spoils easily. I want to make sure the food we get actually gets eaten," Rich said, tossing a third orange into a bag. Please don't take forever. Please don't take forever. He had to ask.

"How many are we getting?"

"Twelve should be enough for everyone," Rich said.

Yeah, they weren't getting back till midnight if he left Rich in charge. He was taking over. Dem picked up another nine oranges from the stand and chucked them into the bag. He then commandeered the cart and started grabbing any piece of fruit that struck his fancy. Of course, Rich had a problem with that.

"I better not see any spoiled fruit by the end of the week," Rich muttered.

"If worse comes to worse, we'll freeze it. You worry too much," Dem said, picking up every type of berry under the sun.

"We don't need all that. Put some of the fruit back," Rich said.

"I thought you liked fruit. You spent enough time looking at it," Dem said, already steering the cart to the meat market. Rich stepped in front of the cart, stopping him in his tracks.

"I said put some of it back."

Dem rolled his eyes, like he was going listen. So, he got a bunch of fruit, big deal.

"In case you haven't noticed Rich, we're past the bargaining stage. Since you had us kicked out of the house, I'd think you'd let me have some damn grapes. "

"I-I got us kicked out of the house. You're kidding."

"I'm not playing this game, Rich. Not going to bend over backwards to try and compromise with you anymore," Dem said, grabbing some ground meat, pork chops, and chicken. Maybe, it wasn't the best assortment ever, but it should keep them all fed for a while.

"You're the one that said we should try and save money," Rich said.

"Do me a favor and grab the taco shells? I'm going to get the milk," he said, delivering a dead pan performance. They weren't obligated to fight anymore. If Dem ignored him long enough, he should mellow out.

"Fine. I'll get your precious taco shells," Rich said, backing down.

Rich came back with the taco shells as promised along with the ingredients for Chicken Alfredo, minus the chicken, and at some point, he had doubled back for shrimp and salmon. Whatever, this was their first grocery trip. They could afford to spend a little more.

"Okay, we now have eggs, cheese, milk, and butter. I don't know what the hell she was eating before, but hey, she might grow taller or something," Dem said cheerfully. Rich noticed the cookies and chips but didn't say anything.

"Is that everything?" Rich asked.

They didn't exactly have a list, but there were a few things off the top of his head that they hadn't gotten to yet.

"Nope, we still need bread and cereal."

"Let's get this over with. I'm sick of looking at you," Rich said.

"You think I'm not? One of two things will happen, either England will realize what a horrible calamity he unleashed upon the world -"

"Don't count on it."

"Or, Alfred will feel bad and come get us."

"We don't know that. When has he ever been mad enough to cast us out of his body before?" Rich said.

Meh, he really did worry too much.

"Please, this is not the first time the government shut down. This is just the first time he decided to take it out on us. Alfred doesn't stay mad, " Dem said. He added wheat bread to the cart instead of white so Rich wouldn't complain.

"I guess you're right. He will have fun for a few days and remember why he keeps us around. Alfred does know where we are right?"

"Of course not, if he knew we were at his crush's house, he would be here in ten seconds flat," Dem said, randomly guessing which cereals Rich would be okay with. He decided on Honey Bunches of Oats and Raisin Brand. Rich glared at him. Huh, he must have chosen poorly.

"Call him," Rich said, handing him the phone. Dem stared at him blankly.

"But, he's mad at us." They should probably wait.

"If you tell him where we are, that won't matter," Rich said, emphasizing every other word like that would make him understand.

"At the grocery store?" If anything that would convince him they would be okay for a few days, he didn't see the point.

"You can't be this much of an idiot," he muttered, taking the phone away.

"Alfred, we're staying with the coffee girl you thought was cute. Dem already admitted you were stalking her. Hello? Done and Done," Rich said smugly.

"You do realize that instead of having fun at Amy's house we're going back to D.C. to be scrutinized and mocked until this is resolved right?" He would have personally preferred to stay as far away from Alfred as possible until he cooled off.

"Or, he will regret ever having created us and we'll return from whence we came " Rich said.

As aggravating as the whole experience had been so far, Dem wasn't as ready to give up being human yet. Who knew when they would have this opportunity again?

"Seems like a waste to me but I guess you did good Rich," Dem said.

"You wanna stay like this?" Rich asked.

"For a while, maybe, you don't?" Dem admitted. He wasn't sure about the long term. Dem got bored easily, but for now, he didn't completely hate it.

They had too much stuff for the self checkout so Dem entered the shortest line which wasn't saying much. They never seemed to use more than two of the damn aisles.

"Living like people is taxing. Could you really see yourself doing this more than once? This isn't even real work. I refuse to hang around here after our money runs out," Rich said.

Would it really be anymore frustrating than what Alfred already dealt with? Then again, he wasn't really part of Alfred right now. Without any real paperwork, the most they'd be able to get was some minimum wage job anyone could do. Rich had a point.

"Hope, he comes soon," Dem said, a little worried now. Rich tried to be comforting or at least his version of comforting.

"Nothing gets him here faster than a girl in distress. "

Dem coudn't really say he was wrong.

After ten minutes in checkout, they packed the groceries into the car and returned to the apartment. Once they put everything away, Dem and Rich went their separate ways. Dem continued painting the apartment and ignored whatever Rich was doing.

Once rid of Dem's dreadful company, Rich decided to snoop. Interestingly enough, there was an empty guest bedroom that they could move into if his ploy didn't work. (Rich was sure it would though. ) When he went into her room, he didn't find much. Nothing really stood out. There was a bed and dresser in her room and a few posters of death metal bands and the like. He stayed away from her purse although he could easily get the info in there and more by other means. The only thing of note was a picture of a fairly rugged man in his early thirties dressed in a park ranger's uniform. Hastily scribbled on the bottom were the words, I'm not coming back. Your mother is crazy. Love Dad. She comes from a broken home. Great.

To pass the time, Rich decided to cook. Dem was too consumed painting the whole freaking place blue to ever think of it. He made tacos although it hadn't occurred to either of them to get lettuce and tomatoes. Rich would make a list next time. The meat cooked in under thirty minutes, and Dem finally made his way over once Rich dumped the meat into the taco shells.

"Aw, you really shouldn't have."

Rich smacked his hand away.

"I'm going to pick up Amy. Wait or I don't care what happens next government crippling decision. I'm taking you down with me . . . again," he said, flicking his nose. Dem narrowed his eyes.

"It's not like I'm going to eat all of it."

"Think of it this way, who are we asking to put up with us for an indefinite amount of time?"

"Amy," he said, starting to get the idea.

"Do we have the money to pay her rent indefinitely?"

"No," Dem said, slightly ashamed.

"Then, I suggest you don't think with your stomach for the next twenty minutes and let me seal the deal," Rich said, getting the keys.

"Try not to do the awkward thing then," Dem said.

"What thing?" For one reason or another, he'd come out as the more eloquent speaker of the two. Rich could handle a simple negotiation.

"The thing where you say something controlling or condescending and piss women off," Dem said.

"I don't do that, mostly," Rich said. He must be trying to psyche him out. Hah, he wouldn't give Dem the satisfaction.

"Say as little as possible," Dem offered. As if he needed his advice, it was his fault they were here in the first place. Dem couldn't just give him what he wanted for the greater good. Now, he was at the mercy of some college student.

"Sure, whatever," Rich said.

"That's the spirit," Dem said. Rich wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not.

"I don't need your advice," Rich said, mildly irritated. How could he be so damn happy all the time?

"Course not, you have the crush. You're going to screw it up anyway," Dem said with absolute certainty. Dem must really want him to fail. Rich decided he didn't want to waste his breath on anymore of this nonsense. He slammed the door and locked it.

Rich found Amy in the same spot he dropped her off last time, looking beat.

"Ready to go?" Rich asked. Amy nodded, opening the car door and getting in. For the first few minutes, Rich didn't say a word. He wasn't sure what to say first. All he knew was that he wanted this conversation out of the way before Dem had to get involved.

"Alfred froze our funds. We don't have a lot of money left," Rich said. Amy sighed.

"How convenient, I take it you won't be able to help me with that government job either huh?" she said knowingly.

"No, I can still do that, and it's not like we're broke either. We have around two thousand dollars. I figured we could work something out," Rich said. The amount caught Amy's attention.

"That's a lot more than I thought you had. Tell you what, give me money to cover rent this month, and you can stay till daddy comes to take you home. You said around a week right?"

Rich hit his first road block. He had no idea how long Alfred would keep up his frosty attitude. This was all new to him.

"Kind of, we might have to stay longer or he could be on his way as we speak . "

"Did you run away?" she asked, picking up on his uncertainty.

"No, he kicked us out. We explained this. " They weren't children. He could go where he pleased . . . except the White House.

"Since you and pops seem to be having issues, I'll cut you some slack. If he comes tomorrow or in the next few days, I won't charge you, but if you stay longer, I expect some sort of compensation, " she said.

"Deal. We'll try to stay out of your way," Rich promised, not that he could really speak for Dem. He was painting the apartment blue right now.

"I should hope so," Amy said yawning. She could use more sleep.

"I made tacos," Rich said, hoping to cheer her up.

"With what food?"

"We bought groceries," Rich said.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Amy said, pecking him on the cheek.

He blushed. Oh, is that why people went grocery shopping all the time?

There was a comfortable silence. Rich risked starting up the conversation again.

"Do you like me?" he asked. Stupid Dem got to him.

"I tolerate you. That's kind of as far as this goes for me," she said.

"Is it because I'm mean and condescending?" he blurted out. Stupid Dem had really gotten to him.

"At least, you're aware of it," Amy said, slightly amused.

"If I was nicer, would you like me better?" His brain needed to shut up now. Ugh, what if Dem was right and he had caught his stupid crush thing?

"Seriously guy, who's giving you these ideas?"

"Dem's evil," he said, narrowly avoiding a car. Rich was on the wrong side of the road. Whoops. At least, they weren't in a high traffic area yet.

"No offense but I'm not going to take your word for it. I think you're a little bias," Amy said.

"The young ones never believe me," he muttered tiredly. Why did he even bother?

There weren't anymore close calls, and Rich managed to keep his mouth shut as Dem had so mockingly instructed him earlier. He was extremely relieved when they reached the apartment's parking lot. Rich stopped the car and put a hand on her shoulder. Confused and probably slightly disoriented, she looked up at him.

"You have to know one thing before we go in," Rich said.

"What? Did you kill someone while I was gone?" she asked jokingly.

"Dem repainted your apartment blue," Rich confessed. She put her hand out.

"Fifty bucks and I don't yell."

"But I didn't do it."

"Fifty bucks." He handed over a fifty. Rich must be infected.

"I'm sure the blue paint will look great, " she said, faking enthusiasm rather convincingly before getting out of the car. When they entered, Dem had given up painting the rest of the apartment and was watching TV on the couch instead. Rich expected her to yell despite their agreement at the sight, but she calmly walked over to him and bent down so she was inches from his face. A little unnerved, Dem stopped shoving popcorn in his mouth. (It was one of the many snack foods he had sneaked into their cart.)

"Hi Amy, what's up?"

"You painted my apartment blue, " she said matter of factly.

"Yeah, I did," he said. She smiled, managing to make herself look eerie.

"I think you should keep going or your phone might mysteriously end up in the toilet," she said, holding up his expensive currently unreplaceable phone. Dem immediately got up.

"Okay but can I eat first?"

"When you're done," she said, helping herself to some tacos. Rich followed suit.

"Yes mistress," Dem said sarcastically. She held the phone over the sink.

"Yes Amy," he said, backtracking immediately. Rich really had to talk to him about his addiction to Candy Crush and Bejewelled.

Dem was eventually allowed to eat even though he hadn't finished painting yet, and the arguing was kept to a minimum. In fact, there wasn't much talking at all. Rich rather liked it.

"Thanks again for the tacos guys, I think we're going to get along just fine," Amy said. She looked over at Dem expectantly. He sighed and picked up a paint roller.

"I hate the color blue," Dem mumbled. Rich rolled his eyes.

"No, you don't. You just hate the work involved," Rich said.

Dem glared at him and continued to move the roller slowly over the wall. Rich might have started another fight if Amy hadn't grabbed hold of his arm. He stiffened.

"Why don't you help him? He'd probably complain less," Amy said.

Huh, there must be something wrong with him. He was actually considering it.

"Yeah, hurry up and get over here," Dem said.

Amy narrowed her eyes and took his phone out. She started pressing buttons. That got Dem's attention.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting rid of your Candy Crush lives," she said casually.

"Stop, I don't know what you want but I'll do it."

"You need help," Rich said. It's just to kill time, Alfred said. He won't get addicted, Alfred said.

"Help him paint the apartment and I will make you keeper of the phone," Amy offered.

"Done," Rich said, deciding that getting his suit dirty was worth one upping his opponent.

Dem dropped the paint roller and got on his hands and knees.

"Please, have mercy, whatever I did to piss you off I'll stop it," Dem cried. Amy sighed and signaled for him to return the phone. He complied when by all logic he should have milked this for all it's worth.

"Be nice to each other and paint. I need to get some study time in," Amy said.

"But I didn't do anything," Rich complained. Amy gave him a small smile.

"Please." Dammit.

"Okay," he said. She handed him the second paint roller.

"Thank you," she said, pecking him on the cheek.

"Hah, she totally suckered you," Dem said. Rich didn't feel like fighting his own battles today.

"Keep talking, and I'll convince her to give me back the phone."

"Let's get to work," Dem said, unsurprisingly changing his tune.

They painted the apartment for the next few hours and finished covering the kitchen and living room in blue, partially due to Rich's successful threats to gain control of Dem's beloved phone. Amy eventually returned to check on them and told them to stop there, deeming their work acceptable. Dem and Rich were rewarded with X-box time.

"It's been fun hanging out with you guys, but I have to go to work. Ready to go Rich?"

"Sure, I guess," Rich said, standing up. Don't say something stupid. Don't say something stupid.

"Why do you get to take her?" Dem asked. Rich didn't fight it. He was feeling strange around her.

"Go ahead, if you really want," Rich said.

Surprised, Dem hesitated. He probably thought Rich was trying to trick him.

"What's the catch?"

"Nothing, I'm not feeling well." He really didn't sound great.

"Then, let's go Dem. Feel better, Richie," Amy said, giving him a quick hug. Didn't she usually call him Rich? What did it mean? He shook his head. _Only that Dem put strange thoughts in your head, suck it up. _

"I'll be fine."

Satisfied, Dem took the keys from him and left. Dem returned shortly afterward with fast food from Amy's place of work. They argued about money again. The details weren't important. He went to bed in a hurry and dreamt of unflattering Gallup poll results and his poor choice of words.

* * *

_**Have a good day everybody. **_


	4. Humiliation Sensation

Humiliation Sensation

As everyone knows, England sucks. Not only had he talked him into drinking his freaking magical tea, Arthur had split after there were three Alfreds too many. All he really wanted was to clear his head and forget that he had ever considered this a good idea. Instead, he was chasing after the wonder twins with Green who he could only assume was an odd compilation of third parties everywhere. Sure, part of him wanted to let them fend for themselves and leave the unsuspecting Green at a gas station somewhere but fate had intervened. They'd messed with his coffee girl. Clearly, they weren't competent enough to be left alone for more than a day.

"Do we really have to go get them? " He didn't seem to like being stuck in the car for so long. Too bad, he had other things to worry about.

"Can't leave them alone with coffee girl," Alfred said, keeping his eyes on the road. He might be liable to head off course with how jittery he felt.

"But you were so close to achieving inner peace," Green whined, like the whiner he was.

"No. I was confused. Sure when the people that anger you leave it's great for about a minute. Then, you realize how easily distracted you really are and end up buying a ton of useless knickknacks at every damn gas station. Is that a gourmet candy store? No, focus, you don't want another restraining order," Alfred said, hitting the gas pedal.

"Slow down, you'll burn through the gas," Green said, just now buckling in his seatbelt. Good. The last thing he needed was Green flying out the window.

"Shut up hippie," he said, enjoying the high speeds for another few minutes before reigning it in. They still had quite a long trek ahead of them, and he didn't want to stop at another gas station any time soon, but the brief burst of speed hadn't quite quelled his irrational anger. Alfred took a deep breath and remind himself that he was the one that had let the copycats run amuck. It was too quiet. He took his eyes off the road for a second. Green was sulking. Gah, Alfred took his anger out on the wrong one . He noticed a Mc Donalds coming up.

"You want a Mc Flurry or something?" he asked. Green nodded.

He left the main road and turned right.

Amy lived a simple life. She worked. She slept. She ate. She went to class. She studied and worked again. So, she found suddenly having a hyperactive sidekick rather jarring.

"Yo, Amy, Can I have a coffee to go?" And loud.

Her shift wasn't over for another few minutes. She'd have to indulge him. Amy assumed he wanted his regular order. Rich had implied Dem was the one that liked stopping by for coffee. She wasn't quite willing to accept these two had been spawned from Alfred, but right now, not questioning it made her brain hurt less.

"Here, take it," she said, leaving her post. They'd actually finished cleaning up early so she didn't have to stick around. He seemed to notice she was cranky. She entered the car and shut her eyes. Amy really needed another forty winks.

"You want to get some ice cream, my treat?" he asked. She opened her eyes again. Ice cream, really? What was she twelve?

"No thanks, ice cream isn't magically going to make me feel better," she said.

"You'd be surprised," he said. She looked at him skeptically. He kept on smiling.

"Okay," Amy said finally. She wasn't going to say no to that.

The detour didn't take long, despite Dem insisting they order inside instead of through the drive thru. He surveyed the area and frowned. Maybe, he'd expected less of a crowd. Much to her surprise, Dem got away with chatting with the female cashier for ten minutes despite the long line. This irritated her slightly, but admittedly, the ice cream did ease her nerves a little.

Dem never really talked while he was driving. Amy was grateful as she could shut her eyes and feign sleep for a few minutes before facing cold hard reality. They reached her apartment complex, and Dem parked the car, then things, took a turn for the strange. She tried to leave the car, but Dem held her back. She turned around and caught his rather nervous stare.

"Hey, I need you to do me a favor," he said ominously. She really didn't like where this was going.

"What other favors can I possible do for you?" Amy asked, a little annoyed.

" I kind of insinuated Rich doesn't understand women. So, he is going to ask you out on a date to prove a point. I need you to say yes, or he might go into a depression," Dem said. The whole thing was rather petty, but Amy wasn't really against going.

"Twenty bucks and I spare his feeling with some lie about having a long distance relationship with Guillermo in the Galapagos. Fifty bucks and I play along for one date before letting him down easy. Those are your options," Amy said.

"Here's fifty bucks. He's your problem tonight," Dem said without hesitation. It made her wonder what exactly she was in for.

When she entered the apartment, she did double take. Amy wasn't used to the blue walls yet. She stepped into the kitchen and grabbed a plate. Rich had made pancakes. (He had left a note giving himself credit.)

"Where is Rich exactly?" she asked. Dem was in the middle of hijacking her pancakes. She slapped his hand away and gave him half.

"Preparing," he said dubiously. Amy decided not to worry about the stupid bet too much. She turned on the TV and munched on her pancakes. Dem joined her. He didn't touch his food.

"How easily offended are you?" he asked suddenly. Amy chugged her milk and set the cup down before sparing him a glance. She had a pretty good idea what he was getting at.

" Relax, I'm not going to push your brother into the pool or anything. You two don't bother me that much," she assured him while watching some guy slam his head into a tree. America's funniest videos didn't always make her laugh, but she did like seeing idiots suffer.

"We're not brothers, and since I'm clearing things up, Alfred isn't our dad. They're more like my annoying coworkers," Dem said.

Oh, this again. Amy didn't really care at this point. She was stuck with them a while.

"Sure, you aren't, and I'm not really here right now."

He poked her cheek a couple of times.

"Liar," he said playfully. She glared at him, wondering who had thrown him of a cliff to make him so dense. Dem's phone rang. He answered. This was the first time she'd seen him use the phone in a way that was intended.

"Where am I exactly? You should know already. Don't you have stalking powers?" Dem said.

Alfred (probably) said something that annoyed him.

"I'm not going to tell you if you're just coming here to yell at us. Are you at least letting us back in the house?" Dem asked. He didn't like the answer.

"Then, why should I help you? Apparently, you want to do everything by yourself. Good luck with that," Dem said, hanging up. Amy hit him.

"Dem, you're not living here for free. Call him back," Amy hissed.

"But he started it."

She called him back herself and shoved the phone in his face.

"Talk to him now."

Dem sighed and waited for Alfred to pick up.

"We're still in the Washington DC area. Where are you? Why didn't you just track us using the g.p.s. on the phone? Wait . . . How long has it been since you slept exactly. You can't just- You'll be there soon, great," Dem mumbled. He shoved a piece of pancake in his mouth.

"Alfred took a wrong turn. He'll probably be here by tomorrow, the crazy moron," he said, muttering the crazy moron part.

"What does he think is happening exactly?" she asked. Alfred (assuming the twins didn't suffer some form of elaborate dementia) had never been particularly high strung.

"That we're freaking you out enough that you'll never want to see him again," Dem answered.

"Lucky for you three, I'm not easy to faze."

"Just wait until tonight," Dem said.

Amy rolled her eyes and finished her pancakes. She was ready to turn in for a few hours.

"You're exaggerating."

Thankfully, Amy's schedule was rather light today. She only had one class to go to this morning. She preferred to take the more challenging classes on her days off when she was awake enough to function. (Monday's hellish schedule was the exception.) Again, Rich was nowhere to be found, and admittedly, this was starting to make her nervous. No one handed over fifty bucks without due cause, even Dem. He took her again, and she went to class, where she mostly succeeded in forgetting the incident.

When the lecture ended, she found herself without a ride. Amy realized fairly quickly that she hadn't alerted either of them to her weekly schedule. Worse than that, she hadn't even thought to get their phone number. The idea that she might be depending on them too much left her a little sour. Amy took the bus home. On her return, she found the two of them playing with her Xbox. She would have turned it off out of spite, but Amy had never told them they couldn't play, and her bad mood wasn't enough of a reason to end their fun.

"Bam, knocked you out like a boss, you're terrible," Dem said, grinning foolishly. Rich scowled and tossed the control aside.

"I don't want to play anymore."

"Because you suck," Dem added, before turning to her.

"Wanna play?"

"Sure , I could use a break," Amy said, picking a character at random. She wasn't feeling particularly competitive right now. That ended quickly.

"Nine out of fifteen?" she asked. Dem started another round.

"Dem, give me the remote," Rich said.

"What? No, we're in a middle of a grudge match," Dem whined. His phone beeped. He checked the message. Alfred had simply texted the word "Soon." Rich used the opportunity to snatch the controller. This annoyed Dem but not enough to wrestle the remote out of Rich's hands.

"Fine, get beat up by a girl," Dem said in a huff. Amy punched him in the shoulder.

"Hey, you lost to me a couple of times."

"That's because my gaming skills have been fractured into four parts," Dem argued.

"Interesting, so, if I win against her, it will be the same as beating you," Rich said.

"Guys, can you quit trying to one up each other? It's just a game," Amy said, pummeling Rich's character while he was distracted. This was enough to get Rich's attention back on the match. She easily killed him off, but it became apparent that Rich's button mashing strategy was what crippling his ability to win.

"Okay, I'll let you look up combos for the next match so we'll be more evenly matched," Amy offered. Dem obviously had a problem with this.

"But it's my turn," he said, trying and failing to force the remote away from Rich. (It never occurred to him to take the controller away from her for some reason.)

"Look, Richie and I will play a couple of rounds and then, you can have my remote," she offered. He reluctantly agreed. The game lasted longer than usual since Rich took his sweet time looking up combos, but on the bright side, when they did fight, the match was a lot less one sided. (Rich still had really bad instincts. )

"There, we're done," Amy said, handing over the remote. Dem immediately threw himself into the fray, surprised when Rich wasn't completely overwhelmed.

"See, sharing isn't that hard. " No response. Oh well, she should get some study time in anyway. Before she sought shelter in the relative safety of her room, the phone beeped again.

She checked the message this time. _You better not blab anything._ Dem was too preoccupied playing the game to notice she had his phone.

Feeling slightly mischievous, she answered. _I told her everything. _

The response was immediate. _There will be much suffering. _

Slightly giddy, she knew exactly what would trip this guy up. _Why should I go home with you? She feeds me._ The guy didn't respond back right away, and she was worried that she'd inadvertently scared away the person that was supposed to drag them out of her life.

_Don't be an idiot. You'll eventually run out of money. She won't put up with you for much longer. _She considered the best way to proceed. Amy still wanted the guy to come pick them up, but it had been a while since she pranked someone. With that in mind, she took the simple route.

_Then, I'll move to the woods and become a lumberjack. _He didn't answer. Amy figured she'd finally gone too far and put the phone down. Another message showed up. Curious, she opened it. His response made her jump a little. _That wasn't funny, Amy. _

She deleted all evidence that the conversation ever happened and retreated to her room. There, she enjoyed a few hours of solitude until one of the boys knocked on her door. Luckily, Dem had already given her a heads up on what was about to happen, and she was only mildly stupefied when she opened the door, and Rich shoved roses in her face. Okay . . . not a great start, she took the roses and noticed the tuxedo. This was going to be painful, wasn't it?

"Dem had to go take care of something. I made dinner," Rich said, walking away stiffly. She placed the roses on her dresser and made her way to the living room. Amy was pleasantly surprised. Apparently, his earlier preparations hadn't been anything creepy. He had simply bought a few things to create the right atmosphere. She'd been paid fifty bucks to attend a candle lit dinner. Amy had been worried for nothing. She sat down, feeling underdressed.

"How's school going?" he asked.

"It's going," she said, preoccupied with her apartment's sudden make over. Maybe, she should have put more effort into making her personal box nice. He frowned, setting the food down on the table.

"Even so, I hope we haven't been too much of an inconvenience. "

She didn't think over her response very carefully.

"Not really, I've been getting a lot of petty cash," she said, digging in. The way she ate seemed to bother him more than usual. Amy slowed down, starting to understand what Dem had actually payed her to do. _Swallow your feelings, you're on display. _She only had a vague idea of what would be considered polite in this situation and settled on, giving him a lot of eye contact and pretending to be disinterested in the food. Her sudden lack of appetite seemed to disappoint him while her stare unnerved him enough to look away. She decided to talk instead.

"Where did Dem go exactly?" she said, feigning ignorance. He took a second to lie, but the lie itself wasn't too farfetched.

"Dem was tired of being cooped up. He went to a bar,"Rich said. Amy didn't want the uncomfortable silence to comeback so she kept the interrogation going.

"Why didn't you go with him?" Silence. A little frustrated, she started eating again, showing little regard on whether or not she ate the pasta in a lady like manner. Rich watched in horrid fascination, but eventually tore his eyes away from the spectacle.

"I wanted to spend more time with you," he said quietly.

Great, now, she felt bad. She wiped the Alfredo sauce of her face with a napkin.

"You're a good cook," Amy said. He stabbed his pasta too hard and caused the plate to land on his lap, pasta side down.

"Thanks," he said, dead panned.

"Let me get you a towel," she said. He grabbed her wrist.

"No, that's okay, I'll get it," he said, standing up. She sat back down, wishing she could jump in with the Guillermo lie. He came back wearing his regular clothes.

"Sorry for the interruption," he said, pausing as if unsure were to really go from here. Whatever he had planned, Amy didn't think it had original involved watching her eat. Aware she only had a precious few hours before work, she contemplated the best way to bail. Deep down, she knew the answer, fast, like a band aid.

"No problem, I'm done eating anyway. Thanks Rich," she said, getting up briskly. Rich glanced at her plate. Amy had barely eaten half. She walked into the kitchen and took out a container, salvaging as much of the chicken Alfredo as she could. The leftovers would make a great lunch for later.

"Hold on, can we talk?" he asked.

She said the first thing that popped into her head.

"I think you can, but you won't. So, why should I sit here and wait?"

Rich's original shyness mutated into something ugly. He glared at her, taking his anger out on his napkin, twisting it beyond recognition.

"By all means, go ahead and leave, if you think so little of me," Rich said.

"Look, you're nowhere near as bad as Dem said you were going to be, but I can't keep this charade up anymore. I'm seriously not into you," Amy said, putting the fifty Dem gave her down on the table. He put two and two together fairly quickly.

"Do me a favor, here is another fifty bucks, tell Dem I had a wonderful time," Rich said bitterly, slamming the bill down on the table before making a hasty exit. The phone beeped again. She really wasn't in the mood for any more of there antics, but she checked the message anyway.

_You shouldn't have done that, _

_Al_

She didn't even try to question it. She replied back with her own quip.

_ Then, hurry up and pick up your boys,_

_ Amy_


End file.
